Decisions, decisions

16 May 2008

Today was a wonderful day. Until about 30 minutes ago. 30 minutes ago, a simple question forced me to face my future, and started a chain of thoughts which only provoked some very unwelcome questions.

What happens when you’re forced to choose between what you want to do in the present and the possibility of doing what you dreamed of achieving in the past? What happens when you suddenly realize that everything you worked for in the past, everything that was of upmost importance, might not matter anymore? Or, though it does matter, it just doesn’t matter as much? What do you do when you feel a realignment of priorities, but are unsure whether this is a temporary or permanent shift, and despite this uncertainty, have to make a decision which will definitely be a permanent decision? What do you do when you need to make a decision that will determine your future and you don’t know what you want your future to look like?

Here’s the deal. Five months ago I applied to various law schools, naively expecting a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ response. Two graciously extended a ‘no’; one never did respond; and three put me on the waitlist.

Let it be known that I think waitlists are the spawn of Satan.

They place you in a sort of damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t limbo. You can’t pursue your life because there’s the remote possibility of acceptance; you can’t remove yourself from the waitlist because then you are permanently screwed as far as that school is concerned.

A few weeks ago my co-teacher KyungHee had asked if I planned on renewing my contract. I had decided, to myself, to renew it if I didn’t get accepted into the law schools. Really, I enjoy my job: I love my kids, and my coworkers are a blast to be around. I’ll admit that there was a smidgen of hope that I could stay and work here for another year. Is that being irresponsible? Is that placing temporary desires above my future? I don’t know, but that’s what I felt.

I had asked her to give me until May 15 when I receive my response for the waitlist…or 16^th, when one accounts for the time differences. And today, May 16^th, she asked me again.

I didn’t have an answer. I had checked my email, and I had not made the first cut on the waitlist. I was re-waitlisted.

I told her of the situation and asked her if I could have a little more time to think it over, and she was nice enough to say yes. We agreed that I’d let her know on Monday.

So here I am, faced with one of the largest decisions of my life. Right now, I’m feeling pretty stressed.

17 May 2008

Today was a pretty nice day. JungMin and I decided to take advantage of the pleasant spring feeling, and took our Broadcast Club kids to a movie. We caught a 9:30 screening of Prince Caspian; it’s 4,000원 for the kids, and free for teachers. Sweet! The film was really good, but also really long; it felt a little bit weird walking around after sitting for so long! The kids really enjoyed it, and I could tell that my girls had crushes on Peter (which is perfectly reasonable, as I had to keep reminding myself that he’s much younger than I!) because their whispering always got louder when he was in the scene.

After the film we let the kids go, and I went home. No plans today, just laze around and clean up the flat. But there was one very important thing I had to do.

I called my mom.

Yesterday KyungHee had suggested that I ask my parents for advice regarding my renewal decision. I had just smiled on the inside; I rarely ask anybody for advice, and I never ask my parents for advice.

Yet as my mind went in circles, her suggestion made more and more sense. Really, neither of my parents has ever had to make a decision like this one. But I know that they’ve made hard decisions before, and they have plenty of experience; if anything, they would just be fairly objective guides who could help walk me through my thoughts.

I had mostly decided to renew my contract. Part of the reason why I didn’t want to call mom is because I was afraid that she’d disagree with my decision. Being a Korean mother, she’s the one who’s been pushing me to apply to law schools; she wants me to hurry up and settle down.

I was surprised. Mom was perfectly objective; she didn’t let any of her personal feelings lend subjectivity to the choice. As I spoke with her, I realized that, really, it’s simple logic: if I decide to renew my contract, I will have a job I enjoy and risk getting accepted by a school and not going. If I decide not to renew my contract, I will not have a job I enjoy, and I risk not getting accepted by a school and having to start all over with my job hunt and my law school applications. I risk losing more by not renewing. She felt the same way and recommended that I renew my contract.

I felt so relieved after talking to her. Sorting out my thoughts and getting backing for my decision from an unexpected quarter made me feel so much more confident. When I’m indecisive, I feel unconfident; when I’m unconfident, I feel vulnerable. Those feelings melted away as I spoke with my mother.

Thanks, KyungHee, for the wonderful advice.

27 May 2008

Whoa, I’m typing this up, and it sounds SO sappy. Eew. Apologies.